Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Liberate yourself, Move on!

I have often wondered if there was a standard, universal way of moving on. You know, like get Windows 7, now that you know Vista sucks! Just install the brilliant thing and voila! You have a brand new 'something' to look forward to. You have officially moved on. Moving on is not hard to do in the material world that we live in. Here today, gone tomorrow is the norm. In fact, it's more of - was there yesterday, you missed it by today, and you don’t even know it existed tomorrow.

But what about the other world that we live in - the one with all the bubbles of laughter, the pungency of pain, the sunlight of beautiful memories, the rain of sorrow? Did they invent a new software or operating system to wipe off the old, to ring in the new for these things? (Oh… personally I do believe they did – it’s called Hope :) ) No matter how materialistically superior we get, we self-inflictingly make sure that we do nothing to churn out things that help us intellectually, spiritually or emotionally.

I did something yesterday that I never, ever, thought I would do! I deleted all the songs from my iPod playlist. Now what does that have to do with intellect, spirit, and emotion? Everything, I say! You see, I saw myself in a never ending chain of the songs (even though they are brilliantly beautiful), the genre, and insight that my playlist presented. I ‘became’ the songs. Everyday, I would listen to the same songs - literally. There were, of course, a few exceptional songs that I could listen to again and again and again. And recently, I came across a few different kind of songs (these are really good ones too) that I felt had the immense potential to earn their status inside my playlist. I had added them in and was almost about to click Autofill on my iTunes window when the thought struck me. Do I want to be able to never find my new found good-and-going-to-be-great songs, in the sea of my really awesome, but more-or-less abused old ones? Or should I rather take the leap and make another sea of awesome songs that I can carry proudly with me for another couple of months? I decided to take the leap – I did a Ctrl+A on my playlist items and hit Delete.

You have no idea how liberating, how very alleviating, and non cataclysmical it was. The moment I put in my new genre of songs (how long do you think I could bear to see the list empty anyways :) ) I knew that I was on my way. I didn’t leave anything behind, I just moved forward. And it felt good!

Monday, October 12, 2009

Top 10 ways to live...

Found this randomly while searching my brains out on the net.... thought it was interesting.

Top 10 ways to live...

1. Stop thinking that you know what is good for you.
2. Stop believing what you know is right.
3. Lie. It is the only way you can save your ass.
4. Stop having fun. You are not entitled to that anymore.
5. Learn to fake. It is the only way to be believable.
6. Never speak your mind, least you speak the truth.
7. Believe you are a nobody.
8. Stop doing things you like. You need to find things you don't like and fake it like you like them.
9. Surrender to the fact that you are not smart, even though you know otherwise.
10. Forget what you were and will be. The way you're going now, you wont be either.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Nays & Ayes

Will you please someone you don't like,
Can you kill the one you would die for,

Should you make a world you cannot live in,
Must you say things you don't mean,

Is it correct to lie to hide the truth,
When it is the truth that can set you free,

Will it be easy to suffer the pain,
So that you can come back to sanity,

How many times will you walk down the same path,
When you know it leads to where you don't want to be,

Will you ever find out what you are all about,
When you are trying hard to be someone you're not,

Could it be real if you lived in a dream,
Would the sky fall down if you willed it,

Can you undo what is already done,
How do you give up something that wasn't yours,

Is it fair to say, "I can do it all",
When you know you cannot,

Can you start all over when you're at the end,
Does the sun rise to bid the night farewell,

Should you hope that you'll make it through,
Is it certain tomorrow will be anew,

For all the things that are not, there are things that are,
Not matter where you are, you're not that far......

Thursday, September 17, 2009

A higher purpose

If there was something that I think about almost everyday of my life, something that is very close to what I believe in, it would be – what is my purpose in life? You might say that everyone has been put on this earth for a reason – I won’t deny that. Everyone has their role to play – absolutely! Each one of us must find their place in life – quite possible in relative terms. Each of us has a purpose in life – eh? What was that again? Purpose, you say. Funny, I was kinda thinking on those same lines :)

The moment I ask myself the above question, a series of things hit me. I have the purpose of being a good person, a noble human being, lead a honest life, love everyone I can (and needn't love the ones I simply cannot!), treat others with respect, live a full life, never be regretful of/for anything I have or missed having, be appreciative, confident, etc. etc. etc… the list just goes on and on and on. Other times when I asked myself the same question, I get one standard answer – "you have a higher purpose in life". And I must admit that I prefer the latter answer to the former, maybe because I have only one thought to deal with rather than a thousand others. Or maybe because it is left up to me to decide what that higher purpose should be and not something that is confined to already designed roles and responsibilities. And also because it means there is something higher = better, on the way up there.

Now, some of us are lucky to be well on our way to the fulfillment of that purpose or like other ordinary people like me, are struggling to understand what that purpose is in order to achieve it. I started reading this book that delves more into understanding not what people are or what they are like, but where they come from. Since I started reading it, I haven’t been able to put it down; it's THAT good! Everything that is written makes sense. And not just sense, it’s like a wholesome movie playing perfectly where I can see myself in bits and parts. If we thought that those lucky people who were on their way to achieving their higher purpose were lucky, that’s just partly the answer. They were blessed with opportunities to be able to put their wheels in motion.

Right from my childhood, to this day, my parents have always blessed my sister and me with the courage to put our wheels in motion. I can very well say that I am what I am today because of my parents, especially my dad. He always encouraged us to be what we wanted to be, whatever we could be – the best always. He never said – "be this, be that". He always said – "who says you can’t be this/that?" And that's why I won’t say or believe that I was not blessed with the opportunities to be on the path to achieving my higher purpose. I am blessed because I know I have a higher purpose and it can be whatever I want it to be. I know that what I achieve today is something that I need to - for now. But for later, there is something better at the end of that line. And when I get there, it won’t be my higher purpose, it will be my only!

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Cross my heart and hope to die…

Oh, I don’t intend to die on a cross or anything. I was just trying to think of a heading that would somehow make me conjure up something on those lines to write about. But since nothing seems to be coming out of that seemingly blank brain of mine (is it just me, or are we getting a little dumber each day? Hmmm… I think it’s just me!), I’ll just try to hover around hoping some brainwave will hit me… like those flights that have to hover around in airspace till they get the signal to land. So what can I possibly hover about? Well well …. lemme think….. still thinking….. still thinking…. thinking……………………………… Oh, forget it! Lemme do what I do best. Lament on something that I can’t do, something that I used to be good at or some inane trait that I find starting to get fainter everyday till I can no longer remember what it was all about.

Wow… that was one really good summarization of what my ‘usual’ thoughts are all about. Off late I have been thinking (no… not the hovering around thinking, but something that makes sense) if we don’t do the usual bit that we do everyday, what would we do? Especially with someone who likes routine as much as I do, can I even imagine to do something out of the usual? I may have touched upon such a thought in the past, but maybe my trail of thoughts then was for some other destination. And now that I am in this trail, let me see if I can see it through to its rightful journey.

So what I have been thinking about is something like this – if we did everything by the book, let things come as they may and take things as they come, are we being sane and playing the game the way it should be played? Or are we just plain lazy to get off our ass and do what is right? I was recently talking to someone I care a great deal about, and the topic varied from this and that and like it usually does.. started to proceed towards trying to know what they thought of you and vice versa. The advice I got was that I need to get out of things that are really worrying me, that are ‘rutting’ me in. I couldn’t agree more! Bring it on! – the truckload of happy thoughts, the optimism, the energy, the wisdom and any other superlative adjective of an emotion there is to get me out of my misery of pessimism, inertia, disappointments, and plain old laziness. Well, somethings are better left said than done! Not that I haven’t tried it… I have tried being out of the ordinary, out of routine, ‘spontaneous’ – that’s the word. And in being so, when things haven’t gone horribly wrong, I must say that I have enjoyed it! But then what? If you were spontaneous all the time, wouldn’t that become routine, wouldn’t that become over a period of time – boring? Oh… I get it! You need to keep switching between being boring and out of ordinary. eh? Man, don’t they have simpler solutions for these kind problems anymore?!

And what I am really trying to understand here is why is it that we are not ready to be who we really are – anytime or all the time?. Why don’t we want to yell out that we are the best at what we do, even when we know that everyone else knows that and they just won’t accept it? Why can’t we tell our best friend that we hate the way they do their hair, thinking we don’t want to upset them or be rude to them? Why is it that we can’t make up our mind about the 10 different varieties of coffee at the coffee shop, especially when what we really want is just a cup of black coffee? Spontaneity is only worth it when we go for it and come back feeling all goody goody about it, not when we fall face down to the ground and have to grope in the dark for a hand to pick us up. Ya… I know that was the meanest bit of pessimism that I can probably bring on at this point in time.

I like asking questions, even when I know what kind of answer I will get. And especially when I know that I will not be satisfied with that answer. Through many of my earlier articles I have kept asking different kinds of things, not to anyone in particular, but to make sure I get out all the questions that I know I already have the answers to. So, what do you do when you find that you know the answers to the questions you never asked yourself? I swear this will be the last of the questions I ask for a long time – cross my heart and hope to die :) Or do I?

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

What are you?

When it hits you hard, do you curl up and cry?
Make a sigh saying that it’s all you've got,

When you fall down, do you stay where you are?
Hoping someone will pick you back up,

When you tell a lie, do you wish for it to be true?
So that no one would know you told the untruth,

When everything goes blank, do you think you are blind?
Or are just waiting for the lids to open the blink,

When nothing makes sense, do you go insane?
Thinking you can't take the risk, the pain,

When you lose everything you dreamed of, do you kill yourself to live?
Eventually falling asleep only to die,

When you trust no one but yourself, do you try to be selfish?
Or just end up acting worldly wise for others,

When you cover and cram into every nook and cranny you find,
Are you waiting for the earth to swallow you into its vastness?

If taking the other way out is all you ever did,
Will you ever walk your own path?

Or are you on it already, making the world think it's the smart one,
Maybe that is who you are, not what you became,
The one who knows the right from the wrong,
The one who knows which tune sings the song…

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Jamie's Garden

Jamie was a little girl,
Sweet as an angel, pretty as pearl,
She had a world of her own,
A sweet little garden unknown,

Every flower in her garden was a work of art,
She nurtured them with her soul,
Cared for them with her heart,

Each flower was an emotion,
For all the times to come,
You could pluck any you wanted,
Without fear, undaunted,

But for every flower you plucked,
You had two choices,
You could nourish it like she did,
Or watch it wallow away, languid.

There were daisies for patience.
Roses for anger,
Chrysanthemums for peace,
Orchids for hunger,

Poinsettias were for love,
Tulips looked up for hope,
There were also some lilies for jealousy,
Down by the snowy slope,

One day, came along a bee,
Asked – “Could you tell me the flower for joy?”
Jamie looked around and said,
“There is none, go on, fly by”,

Said the bee as he left,
“Then I will come on the morrow,
Surely you have flowers for sorrow”,

Said Jamie to the bee,
“You don’t need those emotions to bloom you see,
If you choose your honey wise,
You won’t have to pay the price,
You can drink from the ones that are beautiful, or those that disgust,
Emotions or flowers... it’s your choice, and choose you must!”

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Let go!

Drink up, baby down
mmm, are you in or are you out
leave your things behind
'cause it's all going off without you
excuse me, too busy you're writing your tragedy
these mishaps
you bubble wrap
when you've no idea what you're like

so let go, jump in
oh well, whatcha waiting for
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown

These are the words from one of my favorite songs, from a band called Frou Frou, a song that I found quite accidentally. Maybe in the same accidental fashion of me having this sudden urge to listen to this song as I write this piece. Every time I listen to this song, personally, it makes sense of many levels. And I wanna accept each of those levels, analyze it, feel it completely and then do exactly what it says …. let go! How I wish I could do that! Just let go. Of what you may ask. True, if you don’t know what you want or need to let go, you will continue to think that you need it in your life or in your world. We all have things we don’t need, but keep hanging onto. We all have people we can do without, but keep in our ‘circle of humans’, we all have far too many clothes to wear in a day, far too many expletives that we can exhaust of….maybe even far too much love to share?

Lately there has been some change in the way I’ve been processing things. I’m not much of someone who thinks of things as black and white (I sometimes wish I were, maybe life would be not so much of a pain in the ass then!). I tend to gray things out, maybe on purpose, so that I can still keep harping about them on some level. So that I don’t have to think that they are out of my purview and out of my world. Makes you feel like you have something to do, doesn’t it? You can have everything you need this way and not be rid of it, even if you didn’t really need it. But is there any use of that? I guess that is what my brain has started processing lately. What is the use of all those memories that we keep, all those emotions we share, all those people that we don’t love, but would love to hate, all those numbers in the phone book that we’re never gonna call. I bet that if I called everyone I knew on that phone book only 20% would even remember or acknowledge me. So there you go! What is the use of me being me?

It sounds quite surreal, but when you know the difference between what you need and what you want, you will have more things in life to chuck out than want to chuck in. I don’t know if it happens to me on purpose or if it’s just fate, but I have always noticed that there is an undeniable pattern in my life to balance out what I need and what I want. I’ve seem it come true with many things – the kind of work I do, the people in my life, (especially the people in my life :) ), the emotions I go through, the turn of events that take place… everything. I've tried hard not to pay attention to it, thinking that that is just the universe working out. And yes, it is the universe working (just imagine if it works out so much for me, what great shape it must stay in by working out for all of us ;) ). And like it always happens, I have to give up something for something to come in. Ok Ok …. I can almost hear you say it… what else did you think balance was? I never had a problem with giving up things… maybe because most of the things I gave up, I didn’t need them after all. I do realize that every individual must do this for themselves, and by themselves. The only catch here is how do u make it such that you don’t feel bad about it or just a little bit devastated, rather than the fall flat on the floor and hope to die feeling that you get when u really have to chuck something out, even if it may be those pretty little sandals that you've preserved from when you were 10 yrs old!

And what about those things that you really do need, even though u take them for granted almost every minute of your life, but would die if you had to give them up. How do you let go of those things, those people, those memories, those dreams that you built, knowing they would never come true, but still want to display proudly on the mantle of your heart? As I try to put across something that probably might take eons to make sense, I know at this very point… as I write… that there is something on the anvil that I have to let go….. that I have to get used to being without. I don’t know what it is….yet! Don’t you just hate that? When you’re all done and jazzed enough to face the crap… you don’t even know what the crap is! The part I hate the most if this dull feeling that you keep sensing all the time. I mean it just won’t go away. No matter how hard you wish for it to just dawn on you... even hit you smack on the face... it doesn’t - at least not until it is supposed to. And all this time goes in analyzing whether you really want to let go of whatever it is you don’t even know. Would it work if I could bargain to keep something I think I need, by giving up something I don’t know I want? Or should I just follow my heart, be strong and embrace the beauty in the breakdown?

Thursday, April 9, 2009

You :)

I thought I knew the answers,
To all my questions,
I thought I knew the signs,
Of all my prayers,

I felt I knew what I wanted,
Even when I didn't,
I felt I was loved,
Even when I wasn't,

I wanted to make each day the best,
Take what's now, leave the rest,
I wanted to hold on too,
Of moments with you, however few,

I did what I knew by far,
Did I leave the door a bit too ajar?
I did what I believed was right,
And it in every light,

With you I grow higher,
In your presence, I stand taller,
Looking at you, I am calmer,
In you, I am safer,

I know who you are and why,
It's not for me to belie,
To have loved me as I am,
No mock-ups, no scam,

And I know you know me too,
To have felt the same for you!

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Changing Colors

It's amazing to see humans change colors. Yes, you heard me right. We would actually put a chameleon to shame with our ability to adapt and become one with the environment. Now if only this would help both us and the environment, it would be an ideal story. But what if this helps neither us and in turn doesn't even give importance to the environment. Such was an incident, rather turn of events that I recently came across. What fuels my brain usually are events that would otherwise be ordinary, but somehow get turned into a mammoth crisis or get sparked into being an uneventful event.

So coming back to this 'event', a few days back there was a certain plan that we had made. Everything was more or less set, only the execution remained. And as it always happens in my life, there has to be something that comes along to ruin it. Now, whenever I make a plan, I always make sure that I pay more attention to how it can go wrong than go right. That way I am as prepared as possible to face the 'ruiner' head on, and sometimes still see my plan travel towards the end of the tunnel. The ruiner in this case was someone close who made some sort of comment and suggestion (maybe they had their own reasons to do it; if they had kept their mouth shut... I would have still continued to like them) to try their luck - to ruin our plan of course! And it kinda worked... aarrrgggghhh! For a whole day I mulled, sulked, and positively felt so disappointed that I thought the world might as well end. But day before yesterday, there was another twist of events that happened for the ruin to be averted or more aptly 'reverted'. Now I find, that the ruiner is fine with our plan and in fact can't do anything more to ruin it because the new set of events overrules it. Wow! Talk about the universe making things happen for you.

Am I now happy that I can go ahead with my plan as was intended? Yes, but the truth is I would have loved to have been spared of that one awful day thinking that it was all over. I can be all philosophical and ask - why me? But the question I want to ask is - why the hell do people think that they have a say in your life, when they don't even know how to live their own? And how is it that they seamlessly integrate into the new set of events when they come to know that there is no more damage that they can do. And on top of that pretend that they meant the best for u! The more I think about this, the more my blood boils and spills up into my brain that till now thought that being cool was more like it. If I had been my usual self, I would have made sure that no one, especially that person occupy such a position of 'influence', and would have straightened them out. But sadly, I realized long ago that being one's own true self should be reserved only for one's own self, and not for the world. That is when I decided that any person would get only the amount of importance that I think they deserve and not what they actually deserve. Because after all you are what you portray yourself to be, right?

Every time I find such incidents, it amuses me to find how people change colors and become completely something they are not. I tried to do it myself, believe me! I tried to even learn some tricks of the trade from observing such people. But I still don't get why I cant do it right. Maybe there is some nerve in that stupid brain and maybe heart of mine that can never change who I truly am, even for the world outside. I must say that I have adapted certain patterns which may make my life easier, but becoming something akin to a chameleon, is too far fetched for me. I would rather be the whale that knows how to swim in the deep seas by himself than the small fish that 'thinks' it can swallow the whale and swim just as deep.
Go swallow your own **** :)

What I don't get

I dwell a lot, mull a lot,
I try to remember what I forgot,
But still I don’t get it!

I think twice, always try to be nice,
Even when I know what's my vice,
But still I don’t get it!

I imbibe what I can, try to take my stand,
Amongst all the wind to blow my can,
But still I don’t get it!

I wake to ponder, of the days of yonder,
Sashaying, levitating, an eerie saunter,
But still I don’t get it!

I hope to make true, all the things I started new,
Even when I feel they are but few,
But still I don’t get it!

I dig my root, snatching away my loot,
For once I am proud to be a brute,
But still I don’t get it!

I know I can’t have it all, to gravitate my fall,
Nor did I wish to be so small,
But still I don’t get it!

What I don’t get, I make up for,
But what about the things I do get?
Shall I free them into the world?
To fly the skies as high as the highest bird,
Or shall I pray, to make them stay, to regret those I forget,

Do I wait for my turn, make mistakes to learn,
Do I take pride, in my gait, my stride?
Or may I ease the life through my fingers,
To take its own, to stagnate, to linger,

The more I don’t get it, the more I do,
Because all I need to ask are the questions,
For the answers I already knew!

Friday, March 13, 2009


They say you can't have everything in life,
If you want the fruit, you have to take the strife,

They say you can't be everything you want to be,
If you want to swim, you have to brave the sea,

They say you won't get all you desire,
But even gold comes molded from the fire,

They say you can't wish for all,
If you want to fly, you have to take the fall,

If I could count all the things that we can't do,
I would be in minds two,
Cause I would not know whom to herald more,
The one who never touched the sky,
Or the one who never knew it was blue!

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Is lying not telling the truth?

What is the difference between lying and not telling the truth? I used to think that both are the same, but I recently found out that they are not. Lying involves masking the truth by saying something that isn't true or is relatively close but not completely. Not telling the truth can be as simple as keeping mum or spinning a story totally out of context, one that is nowhere near the truth. Am I correct in my understanding? Maybe, Maybe not. As much as I would like to get to the bottom of this, somehow it seems like a never ending well. I am not very good at lying and at not telling the truth. Anything and everything I feel inside usually comes out through my face. Now some might say this is good… me being a true soul and all ;) But more often than not this has always acted to my detriment. And this recent situation was no different. I found myself ‘lying’ for apparently no reason at all. I could have told the truth, but something inside me told me to deny it… to mask it… to not let it come out !! I seriously donno why I did that… but there was so many voices inside me that collectively all I could hear was ‘don’t let the truth come out’.

I don’t think lying is a crime or a sin or anything wrongful. Yes, it is something we should avoid and restrain ourselves from doing because it is not very often that we feel good about it. But, yes, sometimes we do have to lie – for ourselves, for others, to set things right, to make someone feel better. So do these situations qualify as situations for not telling the truth? Should we hold a husband's response of "Of course not, honey!" to his wife's "Do I look fat in this dress?" as lying? I donno. The demarcation is still so vague and immeasurable that it kind of makes me feel very uncomfortable. There was a time when I never used to lie… never! Somehow that time doesn’t exist anymore… that same me doesn’t exist anymore. That doesn’t mean that I lie to make my world fall in place, but the fact that I even do is something out of the ordinary.

When I think about all the situations where I could have done something about not telling the truth or having lied, I do feel a tinge of disappointment, at myself, for having resorted to something I never thought I would. But I have realized that the world is not what it used to be. And we cannot be what we planned out to, unless we care a damn about any and every one who stands to correct us. I would gladly do that (care a damn, I mean), but I feel that before I do, I should rest my ass on firm ground so that even if I have to fall back, I have something to fall onto, instead of the never ending hole of losing oneself.

Gibberish? Yes :) I don’t lie to myself to make me feel better ;)

Friday, February 6, 2009

You can have everything!

Why is that we think we can’t have all we want and then some more? I know it might sound a stupid question for those unimaginably perfect souls who would love to disagree with me. And I am not one who cribs and cries every time something does not go as planned (even though I have done that a couple of times :)) But generally, is it just us or the entire universe that conspires against us for not making an absolutely perfect time last forever? All that crap about happiness and sadness, day and night, joy and sorrow and any other euphemism as being the 2 sides of the same coin, seems to be a whole bunch of pessimistic talk.

There was a ‘era’ when I believed in all of this…. you know, the lose some, gain some, one door closes, another opens... blah blah. It is safe to say that I have probably lost the last remaining faith in these sayings. Today, I don’t know why, but for some reason, I woke up with the thread that I can and will have everything I want to and then some more. That I will not lose anything till I say it’s lost and that door will not close till I want it to close. I know, this probably sounds a bit arrogant, over-confident, overtly ideal etc. etc. etc. But you know what, I have been on both sides of that coin and I can assure you that no side is a place you want to be complacent in. You have to leave the coin to be able to see it shine! I don’t deny the concept of fate or the fact that everything happens for a reason. I am a staunch believer in that. But when it comes to dealings in your own life, whose hold do you want the reins to be in? Fate? Destiny? God? Or your own hands, heart, and brain?

When we think about in terms of something that we can achieve, but would like to see how it goes, by letting it out there and allowing it to be molded in whichever manner, we need to understand that we have already lost it. To expect it to come back to us as how it was destined to be is sheer stupidity. The problem with us is... we don’t want to get the message - the message that we are responsible and totally at fault for whatever we do in life. If you are going to let something ‘happen’ to you, you are again at fault for believing that the happening will turn out the way you want it to. Instead of that, why not do it yourself in the first place? Why wait for that damn door to close before you wish for something else to open. I don’t recall Newton writing any 2nd, 3rd, or 4th law that goes anything like that. Are we so dumb enough to believe that some superior power put us all here so that we can eventually leave it all up to Him to decide for us? Just imagine what He must be going through!! Hope he's not cursing us for our incapacity to understand what He really made us for.

It doesn’t come that easy, I know. There are people who leave everything to the world so that they don’t have to be responsible for what really happens to them (I personally know quite a few of that kind!). Either they are way too smart or just plain cowards. The problem with leaving everything to the world, as per what I have seen, is that you will have no other choice but to accept what comes back to you, whether you like it or not. And the truth is, most of the times you won’t. On the other hand if you take the reins, you know exactly what to expect, what you really want to do about it, where it is headed. Today I decided to have everything I want - in my life, from my life, of my life – and then some. I know it will be difficult initially to get rid of the supposedly ‘altruistic’ attitude that we superficially apply. But I have realized that I exist because I am and that I can do, make, give, have, take and live ‘my’ life.
How about you?

Friday, January 2, 2009

First Shot

She opened the front door to find his keys on the counter. "Oh, he's back", she said to herself. She laid her bags and keys on the counter next to his. She switched on the lights as she went inside the house. Her head was aching; she needed a glass of water. She opened the kitchen cabinet to get a glass and moved to the sink to fill it. These headaches were becoming a pain!

Almost everyday for the past 9 months they had been more of her friend than he was. Maybe that was the real reason they were not speaking to each other. She turned to see the roses had wilted. Did she get roses this morning? Or were they daisies? She didn't remember. She didn't care. She moved to the stove to turn it on. "Maybe I'll make some tea today", she thought. Whoever said coffee was good for a headache, sure didn't have hers.

Kettle on the stove, she opened the fridge to check what she could make for dinner. Asparagus! Not her favorite. She remember how he loved asparagus. "I should try to love him", she thought. "After all he does love me". She got the packet of asparagus out and started towards the sink to rinse them.

"Don't you know that I love you more than anything?" she shouted.

"And don't you know that I don't love you anymore?" he blared. "Why are you still holding onto this? Why won't you let me go?"

"Why should I let you go? You're free to do whatever you want, just as you've been doing all these months. And still you want me to let you go?" she said.

"Come on Janie! As if you didn't drive me into all of this!"

"I drove you into all of this? Oh, how I wish I had!! We would be far more better off than where we are right now", she shouted.

"No! I can't do this again!", she said to herself. This is how it started every time. The fights, then the name calling, then the trying to hit each other, then feeling utterly helpless, liked someone sapped the lights out of you. This had to stop.

And the tea wasn't helping much. "Was I supposed to add sugar in this?", she asked herself. "Or did I and it still tastes the same old bitter self." She had decided she wouldn't love him anymore. Like saying I'll quit smoking. She thought she could do it. She was trying to do it. But it didn't feel the same anymore.

These days it was more of a formal relationship they shared. He learned to keep to himself and she learned to sleep on the other side of the bed. Sometimes she didn't even realize he was home. But the keys on the counter made his presence known. Maybe she was in love with the keys more than him.

"Oh, stop it Janie!" she shouted inside her. "You don't love him, remember? He's the one that loves you! Just be polite and get this day over with." She moved to the stove to stir the asparagus in the broth and add some salt. "Maybe I'll add some spaghetti to this today." She went over to the cabinet to get the spaghetti.

"Honey, would you like spaghetti with this tonight?", she raised her voice to ask him. 5 minutes later and still no answer. "You sure are silent today", she thought. Then, she heard the shot! She rushed into the other room, from where she thought the sound came. Why was it so dark? Where are the switches when you need them? She finally found them and flicked the lights on.

There he was, sitting on the couch, in front of the TV. He was wearing his brown shirt. He loved that shirt. Used to say it was the best thing she got him. "But why does he have ketchup all over him?", she thought. "And what was that black thing near his pocket?" And then she screamed!

She didn't how long she screamed. She knew that that was the only thing she was capable of doing at the moment. How could he do this to her? He loved her! She stumbled towards the
phone. She had to call for help. She could still save him. Like smoking, she knew she couldn't quit on him. She called her mom. She would help. She worked at the hospital.

"Mom? It's Janie. I need your help."

"Who's this?"

"Mom! It's me. Janie. I need you to come over. Something's happened to Keith. I was in the kitchen making dinner, when I heard....."

"I'm sorry. But who is this? Is that you Shannon?"

"MOM!! It's me! Janie!"

"Janie? Am sorry dear, you must have the wrong number", said the sullen voice. "Janie died 9 months ago."

And then she heard the shot again.