Saturday, April 25, 2009

Let go!

Drink up, baby down
mmm, are you in or are you out
leave your things behind
'cause it's all going off without you
excuse me, too busy you're writing your tragedy
these mishaps
you bubble wrap
when you've no idea what you're like

so let go, jump in
oh well, whatcha waiting for
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown

These are the words from one of my favorite songs, from a band called Frou Frou, a song that I found quite accidentally. Maybe in the same accidental fashion of me having this sudden urge to listen to this song as I write this piece. Every time I listen to this song, personally, it makes sense of many levels. And I wanna accept each of those levels, analyze it, feel it completely and then do exactly what it says …. let go! How I wish I could do that! Just let go. Of what you may ask. True, if you don’t know what you want or need to let go, you will continue to think that you need it in your life or in your world. We all have things we don’t need, but keep hanging onto. We all have people we can do without, but keep in our ‘circle of humans’, we all have far too many clothes to wear in a day, far too many expletives that we can exhaust of….maybe even far too much love to share?

Lately there has been some change in the way I’ve been processing things. I’m not much of someone who thinks of things as black and white (I sometimes wish I were, maybe life would be not so much of a pain in the ass then!). I tend to gray things out, maybe on purpose, so that I can still keep harping about them on some level. So that I don’t have to think that they are out of my purview and out of my world. Makes you feel like you have something to do, doesn’t it? You can have everything you need this way and not be rid of it, even if you didn’t really need it. But is there any use of that? I guess that is what my brain has started processing lately. What is the use of all those memories that we keep, all those emotions we share, all those people that we don’t love, but would love to hate, all those numbers in the phone book that we’re never gonna call. I bet that if I called everyone I knew on that phone book only 20% would even remember or acknowledge me. So there you go! What is the use of me being me?

It sounds quite surreal, but when you know the difference between what you need and what you want, you will have more things in life to chuck out than want to chuck in. I don’t know if it happens to me on purpose or if it’s just fate, but I have always noticed that there is an undeniable pattern in my life to balance out what I need and what I want. I’ve seem it come true with many things – the kind of work I do, the people in my life, (especially the people in my life :) ), the emotions I go through, the turn of events that take place… everything. I've tried hard not to pay attention to it, thinking that that is just the universe working out. And yes, it is the universe working (just imagine if it works out so much for me, what great shape it must stay in by working out for all of us ;) ). And like it always happens, I have to give up something for something to come in. Ok Ok …. I can almost hear you say it… what else did you think balance was? I never had a problem with giving up things… maybe because most of the things I gave up, I didn’t need them after all. I do realize that every individual must do this for themselves, and by themselves. The only catch here is how do u make it such that you don’t feel bad about it or just a little bit devastated, rather than the fall flat on the floor and hope to die feeling that you get when u really have to chuck something out, even if it may be those pretty little sandals that you've preserved from when you were 10 yrs old!

And what about those things that you really do need, even though u take them for granted almost every minute of your life, but would die if you had to give them up. How do you let go of those things, those people, those memories, those dreams that you built, knowing they would never come true, but still want to display proudly on the mantle of your heart? As I try to put across something that probably might take eons to make sense, I know at this very point… as I write… that there is something on the anvil that I have to let go….. that I have to get used to being without. I don’t know what it is….yet! Don’t you just hate that? When you’re all done and jazzed enough to face the crap… you don’t even know what the crap is! The part I hate the most if this dull feeling that you keep sensing all the time. I mean it just won’t go away. No matter how hard you wish for it to just dawn on you... even hit you smack on the face... it doesn’t - at least not until it is supposed to. And all this time goes in analyzing whether you really want to let go of whatever it is you don’t even know. Would it work if I could bargain to keep something I think I need, by giving up something I don’t know I want? Or should I just follow my heart, be strong and embrace the beauty in the breakdown?

Thursday, April 9, 2009

You :)

I thought I knew the answers,
To all my questions,
I thought I knew the signs,
Of all my prayers,

I felt I knew what I wanted,
Even when I didn't,
I felt I was loved,
Even when I wasn't,

I wanted to make each day the best,
Take what's now, leave the rest,
I wanted to hold on too,
Of moments with you, however few,

I did what I knew by far,
Did I leave the door a bit too ajar?
I did what I believed was right,
And it in every light,

With you I grow higher,
In your presence, I stand taller,
Looking at you, I am calmer,
In you, I am safer,

I know who you are and why,
It's not for me to belie,
To have loved me as I am,
No mock-ups, no scam,

And I know you know me too,
To have felt the same for you!

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Changing Colors

It's amazing to see humans change colors. Yes, you heard me right. We would actually put a chameleon to shame with our ability to adapt and become one with the environment. Now if only this would help both us and the environment, it would be an ideal story. But what if this helps neither us and in turn doesn't even give importance to the environment. Such was an incident, rather turn of events that I recently came across. What fuels my brain usually are events that would otherwise be ordinary, but somehow get turned into a mammoth crisis or get sparked into being an uneventful event.

So coming back to this 'event', a few days back there was a certain plan that we had made. Everything was more or less set, only the execution remained. And as it always happens in my life, there has to be something that comes along to ruin it. Now, whenever I make a plan, I always make sure that I pay more attention to how it can go wrong than go right. That way I am as prepared as possible to face the 'ruiner' head on, and sometimes still see my plan travel towards the end of the tunnel. The ruiner in this case was someone close who made some sort of comment and suggestion (maybe they had their own reasons to do it; if they had kept their mouth shut... I would have still continued to like them) to try their luck - to ruin our plan of course! And it kinda worked... aarrrgggghhh! For a whole day I mulled, sulked, and positively felt so disappointed that I thought the world might as well end. But day before yesterday, there was another twist of events that happened for the ruin to be averted or more aptly 'reverted'. Now I find, that the ruiner is fine with our plan and in fact can't do anything more to ruin it because the new set of events overrules it. Wow! Talk about the universe making things happen for you.

Am I now happy that I can go ahead with my plan as was intended? Yes, but the truth is I would have loved to have been spared of that one awful day thinking that it was all over. I can be all philosophical and ask - why me? But the question I want to ask is - why the hell do people think that they have a say in your life, when they don't even know how to live their own? And how is it that they seamlessly integrate into the new set of events when they come to know that there is no more damage that they can do. And on top of that pretend that they meant the best for u! The more I think about this, the more my blood boils and spills up into my brain that till now thought that being cool was more like it. If I had been my usual self, I would have made sure that no one, especially that person occupy such a position of 'influence', and would have straightened them out. But sadly, I realized long ago that being one's own true self should be reserved only for one's own self, and not for the world. That is when I decided that any person would get only the amount of importance that I think they deserve and not what they actually deserve. Because after all you are what you portray yourself to be, right?

Every time I find such incidents, it amuses me to find how people change colors and become completely something they are not. I tried to do it myself, believe me! I tried to even learn some tricks of the trade from observing such people. But I still don't get why I cant do it right. Maybe there is some nerve in that stupid brain and maybe heart of mine that can never change who I truly am, even for the world outside. I must say that I have adapted certain patterns which may make my life easier, but becoming something akin to a chameleon, is too far fetched for me. I would rather be the whale that knows how to swim in the deep seas by himself than the small fish that 'thinks' it can swallow the whale and swim just as deep.
Go swallow your own **** :)

What I don't get

I dwell a lot, mull a lot,
I try to remember what I forgot,
But still I don’t get it!

I think twice, always try to be nice,
Even when I know what's my vice,
But still I don’t get it!

I imbibe what I can, try to take my stand,
Amongst all the wind to blow my can,
But still I don’t get it!

I wake to ponder, of the days of yonder,
Sashaying, levitating, an eerie saunter,
But still I don’t get it!

I hope to make true, all the things I started new,
Even when I feel they are but few,
But still I don’t get it!

I dig my root, snatching away my loot,
For once I am proud to be a brute,
But still I don’t get it!

I know I can’t have it all, to gravitate my fall,
Nor did I wish to be so small,
But still I don’t get it!

What I don’t get, I make up for,
But what about the things I do get?
Shall I free them into the world?
To fly the skies as high as the highest bird,
Or shall I pray, to make them stay, to regret those I forget,

Do I wait for my turn, make mistakes to learn,
Do I take pride, in my gait, my stride?
Or may I ease the life through my fingers,
To take its own, to stagnate, to linger,

The more I don’t get it, the more I do,
Because all I need to ask are the questions,
For the answers I already knew!