Tuesday, December 23, 2008


I sit here to write something interesting, thought provoking, fruitful, a literary piece of art! (literally!) But all I am stuck with is some kind of 'people' block. Ya, you heard me right! Oh how I wish, it was writer's block. I could probably put some words together and drive it away. But this... this is beyond me. So before it gets the best of me and makes me mentally unstable (ya rite! like that's gonna happen anytime soon :) ) lemme just get it out with.

I donno why, but lately I have been noticing people, a lot of people, and in almost every sense. When I was young, I was told it was impolite to stare. But in those odd events of someone staring at me, I stared back too. Maybe I was just trying to figure out what they were really staring at, and this scared the hell out of them, much to my pleasure. Of course, I try to avoid doing that now :) lest I wanna get beat up by them! But lately, some instances of bestowed wisdom has led me to politely 'look' and take a few notes of people around me. Even strangers for that matter. And after a few weeks of profound people looking... I am proud to say that I have made some amazing discoveries and found out answers to the questions I have long asked myself, the first of which is - Why are people the way they are?

I know its kinda rude to say this, but say I must - everyone (including you & me) is as smart or dumb as the other person. Just that sometimes there are exceptions to the degree of these qualities, with some possessing more of a thing than they require ;) I can safely say that I have come across an incredible collection of people - the smarty-panters, prouders, milders, walk-on-ers, irritaters, genuiners, fakers, lazers, inquisitors, butt-ers (pardon my French! :-D), dumb ass-ers, jokers, sincere-ers, eternal charmers, intelligenters, selfishers, cowarders and downright insaners! I know, I know, I am probably being disrespectful to people... by calling them the wrong names :) But I'm actually glad that I did this small exercise of mine, just out of curiosity and have found out something invaluable. Remember the question I asked earlier? Ya, you could probably trace the lineage of the dog on the street much faster than find the answer to that question:)

So why are people the way they are?? Cause they have nothing better to do than be that. You know, people are truly not what they make themselves out to be. You might ask - "You found that out now???" Ya well, sorry, I was a little slow on the uptake. Another thing that I found out was, how other people are fooled into thinking that someone is such and such when I can clearly see for what they really are, or even why they are what they are? No, no, I don't possess any special powers, but I think I can pride myself in possessing a pure heart, which might be the reason why I can see into people, or so I think :) The thing that really pisses me off is the audacity that such kind of people have to tell you that you are wrong and they are right. I used to get majorly pissed off in my initial days of meeting such people. An incident like this would ruin my whole day and keep me enraged. But now, I just let them think that they are right. I know better!

I used to think that being something other than what you really are is a bad thing to do. But lately, I have found that that is the only thing you can do, if you want to keep your identity (and sanity). I have always believed, that there is nothing in this world that someone cannot do. And this is one of them. There is no reason why you should not be yourself. But when putting your identity, your values, the things you hold sacred, on the sacrificial line, I would think that saving those are better than saving yourself. It may sound totally unethical and selfish (after all I am all for selfishness :)), but with people such as the ones I mentioned above, there is absolutely no way that you are going to be able to present the real you. So why bother? And for that matter, why even bother about them? They are probably doing the same thing to you.

If you feel that at least in knowing the people who really matter to us, we must invest that extra time and effort to find out who they are really are, rather than just believing what they portray, then maybe it makes sense. But the point here is how far are you willing to believe them and anyone for that matter. Especially those downright insaner types. How far are you willing to invest on them to really know them? And do you really want to?

Maybe this might be close to what I am trying to convey - "Know what I pray for? The strength to change what I can, the inability to accept what I can't and the incapacity to tell the difference." In case you're wondering, this comes from a 6-year old kid in a popular comic strip. Pretty neat, huh?

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Selfishly Yours!

The other day, I was vagabonding on the net, trying to see if there was something that would interest me. I donno why, but the internet has never appealed to me. Sorry, but that's the truth. I know that this might make some people extremely angry (I can already think of a few names), but somehow I have never really been 'hooked' to the net as some people are. Yes, sometimes of course, it has been amazingly a convenient medium, helpful (those bills would have been a real pain, if I had to stand in a queue to pay them), has given me things I needed and wanted (like my songs/videos/blogs). But if there was something I could do without in my life, it might very well be the internet.

But the net is not what I want to talk about right now. As I was vagabonding, I discovered a site to download music (yippee, another one bites the dust!) and found some songs that I had long forgotten. Of course I downloaded them, just for old times sake. As I listened to them, believe me, I felt like I was reliving everything that happened at the time these songs were out. It's amazing how music can transport us to long forgotten times and places, and bring back memories we never knew we stored in that fuzzy brain of ours. And in that playlist, up comes this song - "I Just Don't Know What To Do With Myself". I'm sure that some of you might remember the song - it also features in the soundtrack for the movie - My Best Friend's
Wedding. For those who don't know the song, here's a snippet. It's about a lady singing that she doesn't know what to do with herself, now that her love has gone in search of another and that she's always made plans for two, and nothing seems good anymore, and that she will be waiting if he ever decides to come back. Phew!

At one point in time, I actually liked this song. I felt that the lyrics were soulful, it evoked the empathy/sympathy that one needs to shower at someone feeling so down... it kinda sense. But now as I sit listening to it, for probably the 5th time since I downloaded it, I don't know why, it just doesn't make sense anymore! And that kinda surprises me. I thought it would always make sense. Guess I was wrong! Maybe things just changed for me to think that it would always make sense. From thinking that it was justified, I am now of the opinion that people can be really dumb!.... errr..... in love :) I mean who in their right mind would say -
"Baby if your new love, ever lets you down, come back, I will be around, just waiting for you."Yes, I do understand that this is someone who is very desperate and really does not know what to do with themselves. Maybe they should get a haircut! But seriously, does someone say that in today's times? Yes, again, I do understand and realize that some ppl mite :) Maybe they didn't try the haircut after all ;)

Anyways, the more I listened to it, the more the song began to irritate me, and I realized that I was not that person anymore who could find justification in that song. And you know what? I was OK with that! Personally, I am not a 'change' person. I don't like change, routine is my best friend :) But lately I have understood, that what I detested... has actually become my ally now. Change is my new best friend. And you know why? Because I decided to be selfish! Yes... you heard me right... selfish. Yup! That's the new me. And that is exactly why the song does not make sense to me anymore. Because if the lady was clever (read selfish) enough to understand what was going on, she would have left the idiot long before he left her. And she would have better things to do in life than sit and brood and sing that dumb song. That is precisely why I decided to turn selfish (now... don't jump to conclusions. No one left me :) ). Because I have better things to do in 'my life'. Because it is my life, and no one else's. No one is gonna come and tell me what to do, how and when to do it, why to do it. So why bother waiting or thinking they should? Why not take charge of something only you can make happen. Ya ya... being selfish is not something that our proud parents taught us about, and I am glad they
didn't. I figured this out all by myself.

"You don't get things unless you make them happen,
things don't happen unless you want them to, and you won't want them to unless you think about yourself sometimes!"

Try it. Believe me, it works!!

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Responsible Lives

Yesterday I was speaking, rather chatting, with one of my friends from college. It always makes me feel good when I connect to people who ‘were’ in my life and I strive to keep them alive :) every now and then. The initial Hellos, Whatcha been doing and Hows life, led to more conversant, interesting and somewhat serious topics. The prevailing insecure life in our country (Right! Tell me something I don’t know!), how unsafe our lives are, how terribly frightened we are and should be! How selfish and money minded the politicos are (is there anyone who doesn’t already know that?), how things will never improve, how everyone will die a sad and sorry death someday. You really think we are all going to be dancing in glee when the D-day (death day) comes. Man! With all this prevailing insecurity and unhappiness, don’t you wish we would?

And like I do most of the times, I tried to get to the bottom of why he was being so pessimistic. I mean, ‘I’ am pessimistic, so I know how that works! Whenever something is important to me I try to expect the worse that can happen, and then some more. That keeps me busy while the thing turns out to be quite alright, which on the other hand, had I given it its due importance, would have turned out to be a complete mess. Now, I know that reverse psychology is not everyone’s cup of tea. But it's pretty amazing when you want to get something done that you thought was nearly impossible.

So why and what am I blabbering? I am not for or against the politicos, the environment, the people who want to save dams or the forests or melting glaciers, the people who want to put a bullet through your head for seemingly no reason, the builder who wants you to vacate so that he can build a 20 storey building, the boss who never said a kind word to you, or the one who showers you unwanted attention all the time. I read somewhere – “If you care, you just get disappointed all the time. If you don't care nothing matters so you are never upset.” A part of me would say… "Whoa!!! That about sums it all up!" Another part of me says – "How can you not care about something in life, are you not human?" Well, with all the seemingly wonderful things happening in the world, let alone the country, you might want to rethink that.

As I was chatting with my friend, I realized that it is not about the blame game anymore. It is about the incapacity of people to realize that things are not the same anymore. If we know that politicians are not going to get the job done, why do ‘we’ put them up there? If we know that the secure lives that we are dreaming about, is not all that secure after all, what are ‘we’ doing about it? We want everyone else to take responsibility about what has happened/will happen. When will we take responsibility of our lives? Why is it that we fall into this trap all the time? Are we hoping that our fall each time will be different, better than the earlier one? There was a time when we could care less; we still do. But the fact remains that even that is not making a difference. So the real question is – what will?

Saturday, November 29, 2008


She looked up to say,
I won't be coming no more this way,
I have been here all I can,
And there is only so much that I can plan,

He looked across to see,
All the dust, the grime, the sentimentality,
Should I wrap myself in this haven?
Or satisfy the lust of life I have craven,

She looked beneath to find,
All the pieces strewn in her mind,
Together they made up some memories,
Of all the love, the pain, the atrocities,

He looked far to feel,
To ease his heart out of the golden seal,
Inside it fluttered, strong and able,
Outside it mustered, dark and sable,

She wondered why, when, where,
She lost her soul, her will to care,
He longed for the time,
A little more still, eternity to find,

Together they stared,
Haplessly, beyond compare,
Was this all there was to be?
Nothing more, nothing less, nothing in between?

If tomorrow never came,
Are we to die in shame,
Of knowing not who or what we are,
To live a life that heals the wound, but never the scar.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Riding Escapades

Well, after all the lengthy and quite thought-provoking (I hope!) writings over the past few articles, guess its time for some light and funky ones (someone quite rightfully reminded me of that :)) So, lets see – light and funky….. "light" and funky, light and “funky”. The only thing that I know is light and funky is the cute looking lamp in my bedroom – "light" and “funky”. Sorry, I know, that was a bad joke! Aaaah!!! I know! I can always write something from my bike-riding escapades. Not exactly light (if you count me mouthing some heavy expletives :-D) but funky and funny indeed sometimes .

Ok... so.... which one of these 214 stories would make an impact? Story 49? No, that’s not funky, that’s not even funny. 186? Nah! That guy was not all that indecent. 125? Well, that could be light and funky except for the fact that I almost lost a toe when the idiot standing next to me stomped his feet on mine while stopping at the signal. Ouch! Hmm… well, now that I think of it, I don’t think just one story should qualify as being light and funky. Maybe an assortment will do… the more the merrier, right? So here are some random occurances from a journey that might enlighten and enliven you… the journey I take everyday to and from office plus a few other places on the run.

Now, the ride to office has been quiet an interesting one over the past couple of months. Earlier I used to travel about 10 kms to a god-forsaken place, that later didn't seem so god-forsaken after all :) Now, I have to travel even further, another 5 kms to another god-forsaken place, which I know not when will get promoted into a non-god-forsaken place. I think I would be quite happy with it being god-forsaken, if only it was also human and traffic-forsaken. Oh my! You should see the amount of traffic and the sea of people that I have to literally cross every day to get to work. And it is not funny at all!! Especially when the travel is some 15-odd kms each way, it gets less funny every day.

When I'm riding and being a mute passenger, I always have this thing about people who navigate through any kind of traffic. You know bikers who think they can literally squeeze into 4 inches of space with the shiniest and largest bike ever, a wife and 3 kids on board. I almost burst out laughing every time I see someone like this. In fact, I encourage them (not out load) to keep on, till they find the right spot! :-D Another area of interest to me is to see fellow women-riders. Not just how they drive/ride, but how they even can! Now, I know this is a sensitive subject, but lets face it. Women are not good riders/drivers. If you thought I would say within brackets – 'except me', sorry! I don’t like to go easy on myself, and I know my flaws (and goodness-es). The thing that 'we' lack is effective judgment skills and compensate for that with too much brains! How many times have you seen a lady rider/driver drive like her whole life depended on it? Many right? I can say for sure that she would definitely not consider driving a pleasure. And she will not hesitate to honk, even when she knows that she is the only one driving on the road. “What?!! That rat crossing the road doesn't know I’m coming!!!” I personally have had some minor incidents of almost ramming into the behind of a car or bus (!) just to stop in the nick of time. The reason? Poor judgment skills of not knowing how hard or fast to brake. With (of course!) the counter effect of me shouting (never out loud) expletives at the car or bus for having stopped sooner than I ‘thought’ it would. Typical, ain’t it? But I am happy to inform you that after almost a year of riding, my skills have definitely shown improvement, quite to the point that I don’t brake at all these days! Ha, ha!

The last time I laughed my wits out was when I saw a considerably new car parked right in the middle of the road. Now, this road divides itself into 2 main sections on the sole basis of a convenient ‘here-I-am, there-am-not’ divider. I always make sure that I navigate to one side of the road as soon as I enter it, so that I can spare myself a whole lot of confusion. So, one night I am driving home late from office, and I enter this road. A few meters down, I know there should come the start of the divider, but instead I see this car standing. I mean, from behind it just looks like its standing there, innocently, like it forgot which part of the road it was supposed to be on. Quite possible! I slowed down for it to move, turn, back-up… it didn’t. By the time I approached it, I kinda knew something was not quite right about the way it was parked. Who would park in the middle of the road, in (almost) the middle of the night? Are you crazy? Or do you think others are... to not notice it? By now, I am almost passing it by… and what do I see?? It has banged right into the start of the divider and is so smashed up that you actually can’t make out the front portion of the car. Now, that is a sorry sight indeed, but I found myself laughing so hard that I was afraid I would fall off my bike. Right from that spot to my house, which is about 5 mins, I laughed and laughed and laughed!! Who in their right frame of mind would miss a divider that is almost 3-4 feet tall? It stands there like a bull on the road. I understand that if you are blind or blinded by other things (if you know what I mean) it is quite possible. But even then, it is totally amazing that one should ram right into it without making an effort to try and avoid it. Sheesh!

And oh! Don’t even get me started on the honkers! Yes… the impeccable category of people who know just about what to do with a vehicle other than drive. They can sure honk your wits out! Well, I guess I'll reserve that for ‘light and funky' – Part 2 or 3 or 4 :)

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

To be (free) or not to be!

I don't watch TV. Not because I don't like watching it, or that I don't get the time, or that I have better things to do. I just don't watch it. There was, a time when nothing could separate us - the TV, and me that is! I knew every show, on every channel, every time slot, every re-run that ever re-ran, every actor (their real and reel names), every soundtrack of every movie and TV series (my favorite is the soundtrack from the BBC series - Pride and Prejudice :) ; those who have seen it/know it, might agree), every character, every storyline, etc. etc. etc. This was way too long ago. It's amazing how school and college seem like the time when you could do all you wanted and still have time for more. You need to finish that assignment for your History project tomorrow? No problem, it'll get done before dinner, and you can still watch Dr. Doogie Howser M.D. Need to help your kid brother with a math problem, no sweat. You can do it in-between the commercials for the X-Files :)

Those were the 'real' times. When watching TV was not such a bad thing after all. I would totally credit my fluency in the English language and the ability to understand different accents to watching so much of Star Movies, and some of the English channels that don't exist anymore. Now, the point that I am coming to is not whether we are free to watch TV or not! Hey, just because I don't watch it anymore, doesn't mean you don't have to either ;) You are free to do whatever you want. Or are you?

Extraordinarily, one night I find myself switching on the telly while having dinner. Maybe I just wanted to catch up on whether a person who was supposed to die in a serial 5 years back was dead or had been re-born for the 8th time :-D So, there I was, trying to make sense of all the moving 'news' and up comes a commercial. Now, I like commercials. They are more informative than probably all the "theory of relativities" put together. Snippets, that are to the point, no frills, decent (most of the times at least!), educative (a lot of them are), and most of all - fun! At the end of a commercial, a good one, you are left with a feeling that what you just saw, might actually be useful to you. Plus, they are a logical break from the guy who was supposed to get a heart transplant episodes earlier, or has been in a coma, for God knows how long! Now, the commercial that came up was a good one, a very educative one at that. It was about contraceptives.

Without giving away the name of the product, it was about emergency contraception for women. This is not a run-of-the-mill ad. Far from it! A sensitive subject such as emergency contraception can never be run-of-the-mill :) For those who do watch a lot of TV, you might be aware of different variations of the portrayal of the product, the need as well as the benefits of emergency contraception. I happened to see 2 variations. One where the friend literally demands for the 'time' and shouts (nay, advises) that the girl may have to go through abortion; and the 2nd where the friend and the girl are traveling to a family planning/abortion clinic (this was the one that came up when I was sitting down for dinner that night). And as this ad came up, I immediately found myself paying attention, and connecting it to the first version. I must say, I didn't like the shouting friend. I know she meant well, but she didn't have to be so rude.

The 2nd variation, I felt, was more subtle, with actions and emotions and faces speaking louder than words ever can. As I sat there for the rest of the dinner, I hardly remember what I saw on TV next, cause my brain was already working overtime trying to analyze both these commercials. Somehow, in the 2nd ad, what struck me was the helplessness of the girl who has to make 'the decision'. And, the way in which she is looking at the friend for an answer, a solution, something. I started thinking... the ad clearly provides women the 'choice', but does it provide them freedom to exercise it? A woman has the choice to go in for emergency contraception. That is what the ad is talking about... and of course, they are trying to sell the product, right? But, how many women will use/have used it? 1 in 5, 10, 30, 50, 100, 1000? After all, you might argue, that this is not like some bathing soap that people need to use everyday. True. Absolutely correct! But, for those women who need it, are they 'free' to exercise only their choice, and not their freedom?

In today's day and age, we hear of women reaching heights like never before, shoulder to shoulder with men, even beyond! Scientist, astronauts, philanthropists, industrialists, geniuses even! Women are doing things we never thought possible 2 decades back. Then why is it that the ad portrayed the girl with her looking all lost, and seeking for 'help'? If women have reached the sky, why is it that the girl did not know about emergency contraception beforehand? Or even if she missed out on that education, why is it that she is all 'scared and afraid' when she has to make another choice, quite possibly, the right one! Was it because the company was trying to gain the viewer/public sympathy for the young girl who might lose out on her life because of this incident, and thereby gaining acceptance for emergency contraception and their product? Was the ad trying to tell people (read women) that things could be set right by taking the product, and that otherwise unavoidable circumstances, can now be avoided? I don't have anything against the makers of the ad or the product. Its decent and they are just trying to make a living. But, are we listening to what is really being said?

How come there is no ad that says, that as much of a choice you have for taking emergency contraception, you also do for undergoing abortion? Why is it that the former is acceptable (even skeptically), but the latter is not? Why should a woman hold her head high and take an emergency contraception, rather than do the same thing when walking into a clinic? Should she always turn to a friend, to tell her what to do? Have we as a society equipped her with only fear and helplessness when it comes to making decisions that can be life-changing? This piece doesn't even have to be about women. My trail of thoughts has only come from these 2 types of ads that I have seen till now, and the emotions and underlying meaning that it has evoked in me. Even if you take the case of children, have we given them 100 choices, but no freedom to exercise it? How many parents would let their kid turn into a rock-star, even though he was promised at the age of 10, that he could be 'whatever' he wanted to be? How many kids will paint pottery for the rest of their life. No siree! Not my kid! Isn't that what you thought to yourself? Which child would want to tell its parents that they want to be a doctor rather than join the family business of collecting garbage!

So my question to you is - "Are you really free?" and more importantly "Do you want to be?"

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Know Thyself!

I know it might sound cocky, selfish, arrogant, and whatever first person emotion you want to attach to it, but seriously tell me. When was the last time you praised yourself? Gave yourself a pat on the back, gave yourself a treat? Or are you still expecting the person who has never done that to come do it for you? Or do you think you deserve praise only from others and not from yourself? Oh! Grow up! You think the world is gonna shower itself on you for all the things you do? For all that you are? You are sadly mistaken. Maybe if what you do and who you are is a mountain instead of a molehill, you might be lucky enough to get noticed. Even then, it is a risk that would need to be pulled off very neatly. But for all the small things that you do, don’t even expect the risk to back you up. You are all by yourself, whether you like it or not. And don’t think that you are going to be raised on that pedestal; just wish that if you do, you are lucky enough to not get hurt too much when you fall off it.

We all do things thinking that somewhere down the line, it will pay up and that we will get our dues worth. That is quite human, in fact more so when you have been taught to do good deeds without expecting any results. We are always looking for people’s approval, their take on our actions, if we were correct in doing something or not. Even when we know we have done something right, we need just that one nod or smile to put us at ease, that what we did, was the right thing to do. It is every child looking up to its parents for that candy it was promised, for eating its vegetables. Few get it, are happy with it, others get it, but keep yearning for more, like they are shopping coupons – the more you get, the more life gets ‘discounted’ for you, whereas the rest never gets it

Now, I’m not sure which category to belong to. (If you do already belong to one… good for you.) And, what if I don’t want to belong to any of these and remain independent. You know like those independent parties contesting the elections, hoping for that one stroke of luck that they will win! What if I don’t need anyone’s approval other than my own? As a matter of fact, I don’t think I have ever belonged to any category at all. For as long as I can remember, I have been my own person. That is not to say that I have lived my life to however, and whatever I wished it to be. My! If only I had the guts to do that… I would surely be in a different world altogether – maybe for better, maybe for worse. My parents have done the best parenting ever, and they still are; that goes without a doubt. They have made me and my sister experience everything that an individual needs to experience – through our own mettle. I am proud to say that whatever I am in life today, is because I am born out of them. And nothing and nobody in this whole damn world can do anything to change that. They have never expected anything out of me, apart from what I am capable of giving. And it is this ‘capability’ that has given me the strength to take on anything… anyone.

It might be foolish to say that I have never sought the approval of my parents. Of course I have! When I was a child, I would try to write as neatly as possible, in my best handwriting. My dad was a stickler in matters of handwriting. He used to make me and my sister do ‘handwriting practice’ at least for half of our summer vacations. But, when we were done with our writing, we never went to him, for him to take a look and tell us – “good job”. We knew that when he came to know about it (and that he always would) he would be proud and that was enough for us. Even if he would point out a flaw, there would always be a look on his face that would say, “You have done me proud”. Even today, when we achieve something, purely out of our own ‘capability’, we know that our parents are proud of us, without us even having to tell them anything.

Is it because of the fact that I don’t yearn for their approval? Is it because I am too cocky to give them credit for it? Is it because I feel I am too good for myself to do any better? It might be any or all of these… in their own credible circumstances. But, I feel it is largely because I have looked at my own approval of what I am, before asking for anyone else’s. I know what I am, what I am capable of and so do my parents. They are a splendid extension of what I believe myself to be. I have always felt that you need to look at yourself from your own eyes, before you borrow someone else’s. And believe me, you won’t need to borrow anyone else’s, not even your parents’; it wouldn’t do you justice at all.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Of Liberty, Equality and Faternity…

You know, many a times I have often wondered what it would be like if we all went about our own business without looking, caring or bothering about what others do and how if really matters to us. At many instances, I have wished and pleaded within myself to have the strength to be able to do that, and for people to respect the same, as well as reciprocate with a similar attitude. I mean, it never really helps to butt yourself in when you’re absolutely not needed. I have lived in a city that embodies independence in its truest form and where working hard is just the beginning to working your ass off to be where you want to be :) I currently live in a city where people are smart, but would not want others to think so, least they are taken ‘advantage’ of, where independence is confined to your bathroom, and working hard is just a one-off thing. Now, I don’t want to get into a comparison of cities, their cultures and personalities. Guess it’ll make for good reading some other time. The crux that I want to get to is why is it, that no matter how much we want and value our freedom and liberty (as we call it), we are ready to sacrifice others’, by butting into theirs?

I always try to give people the benefit of the doubt, try to look at both sides of the coin, so that I don’t end up being prejudiced and narrow-minded (no, no, no… that will never be me.. I hope :) ) Recently, I came across someone I have known for sometime, cross that line of liberty that I had drawn so finely. In fact, after the incident, I didn’t know if it was I who is to be blamed or she. Because I didn’t know if she was wrong in taking liberty to cross that line, or if I was – to think that she couldn’t or wouldn’t. The incident is of least importance, but what has got my brain winding is the whole scenario of how people think they have the right to know why things are the way they are with you. Now, why is that? I can be mean and rude and say – “it’s none of your business”, which believe me, I have already said inside my head :). But, smart that my brain is, it doesn’t let the truth come out of my mouth and instead makes me smile and give some lame reason or excuse for me being the way I am. Crap!

Freedom is not something you have to choose from, be sorry for or wish you had it, but don’t want it :). It is not even your birth right (now all you patriots, please don’t kill me!), it is just who you are! Although in this day and age, it is often other people who decide the exact date and time for you to come into the world and etc., etc. But you know what the funny thing is? I feel there is no such thing as freedom, liberty, equality, brotherhood and all those concepts that are upheld for their altruistic values. All there is – is selfishness. I know, I know, I may get beat up for this, but think about it. Aren’t we all just a tad selfish in whatever we do? Take the incident I was talking about earlier. The person who thought she had a right to know why I am the way I am, wanted to find out something about me. Something that would make her feel superior to me, because she is obviously not what I am. That made her selfish. What made me selfish? The fact that I thought that only I had the right to know what I truly am, and no one else is entitled to that privacy. We are all selfish in whatever we do. Even the most saintly of all saints is selfish. He wants to attain something no one else can, and I am pretty sure that he won’t like it if everyone got it :) But then again, selfishness is also taking care of only your business, and not being a pain in someone else’s. So the next time you find someone being a pain, or if you yourself are one, try being selfish. Who knows… you might just understand what it is to be free!

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Of all the things we thought we would do...

Sometimes you have all the time in the world and you don’t know what to do with it. Other times you have everything to do in the world and no time to do it. Currently, I am in the former phase. I loved it – for a whole of 2 days! Now that it’s been 12, I am beginning to wonder if there ever was a phase when I didn’t have time to breathe. Believe me, there was! These days I sit and wonder (wow... that’s hard to come by :) ) what if we had all the time in the world, and we could do anything and everything that we wanted to, would we? If there was nothing beyond us, and nothing we could not achieve, could we?

Would we really do something about that broken chair, that has been broken for the past 6 months, and we thought we would fix 2 months back? Would we clean out that drawer that we know houses everything other than that one pin we need? Would we climb to the top of the tallest building in our locality and scream at the top of our lungs – “I love you ____”? Would we ever be able to accept the fact that we are as good as we can possibly get and maybe a little more? Would we walk barefoot on the grass in the park, just because we wanted to? You know, many of these things are not dependent on the time or the possibility of the event. It is just us who has to put our head together to get it done. I have a clock on my nightstand that ran out of battery – 3 months back. Almost every morning when I get up and see the clock, it dutifully displays the same time – 0535 hrs. Now, I wish I could tune my body to get up at this time, and make the life of the non-batteried (am not sure if that is even a word, but it sounds kinda cool) clock a little worthwhile. But as that doesn’t seem to be happening in the very near future, I might as well settle to buy some batteries and tune the clock to when I do actually get up! (If I kinda lost you there, I totally understand. :) ) But somehow, even that doesn’t seem to happening. Because if it did, it would have happened 3 months back… and I wouldn’t be writing this piece in the first place!

Procrastination is what they call it. I call it pure laziness :) (Never been a fan of big words.) But then that is too hard for us to admit, right? We?? Lazy?? No ways!! We watch TV, we sit around all day, we ride our bikes and cars, we go up to the 25th floor – in the lift!, we get our vitamins – from our 4th mug of beer. Do you know how stressful these things can get? And to do them over and over again - everyday! We need to go to a salon to de-stress. Lazy?? How can you even say that?? Of course we got the work done… when the 5th and final reminder came, of course we fixed the chair – when we sat on it without remembering it was broken and fell on our ass, and of course I changed the batteries on my nightstand clock…... I think!

Monday, October 20, 2008

Musical dreams ...

Ok... so I finally did it !!!! I finally 'bought' music :) Now, before you start asking questions as to what am I talking about, and what is this buying music thing, I guess I should let you in on some background. Now, from as long as I can remember, I have always been surrounded by music. I think I should rightfully thank my mother for this, for introducing me to this exquisite world while I was still snug and safe inside her. She has often told me how my Dad got a brand new SANYO 'tape-recorder' (imported from Dubai) a few weeks after I came into existence (still safe and snug). And as it always happens with a new thing, they were so excited that they got a bunch of tapes recorded (you know... all the favorite songs) and they would play it over and over again. With my dad off at work, my mom would usually finish her daily chores, send my sis to school, and then sit (with me) in the balcony and listen to the melodies from the tape-recorder. I guess she was just as proud of the fact that her husband got it (for her :)) as she was of the fact that she was relaxing with heaven in her ears, and me dancing around inside her belly :)

So, fast forward to 2 yrs, with me sitting on my swing and belting out 'Pillayaar, Pillayaar, Perumai Vazhyunda Pillayaar' (a song on Lord Ganesha) to the T, with the tape-recorder assisting me with the instrumentals. My mom always says that I was a prodigy (donno why she uses past-tense, I still like to think of myself as that sometimes :) ), and a musical genius (I love my mom :) ). So, to cut a long story short, I have always been into music, and like I was saying earlier, I have always felt at home when I am either listening to or singing something... anything! (FYI... I am also a very good singer... without ever having been to a music class. You should see my certificates, awards and medals :-) )

And somehow, I donno if I should categorize it as fortunate or unfortunate, but I have never purchased a music cassette or CD, till a few weeks back. Sounds weird, right? I mean, I would think it weird if someone was as fanatical of music as I was (and still am!) and never actually went to the store and got themselves the newest album or soundtrack. Honestly, I have never done that. Infact, during my school and college days, I would sit in front of the TV and record songs :) Yes, the tape-recorder served us faithfully for many a year. (I think it is still lying around somewhere in the attic back home.) I had a pretty good collection of my fav songs that I recorded from MTv and other 'cool' channels during that time :)

Also, I had people gift/give me cassettes and later on CDs. I was quite happy with whatever I had. Now, I have more to my collection ... thanks to the download era. So relatively speaking, I never actually chose to get a certain kind of music home just because I liked it and wanted to listen to it as much as possible. I listened to anything and everything and found my favorites among them. But recently, I was fortunate enough to come across some music that I had to have :) And I realized that I didn't want to wait for it to be up on the net, or 'borrow' from someone. I wanted to own it, in the same manner that I 'owned' all the music that I recorded in the tapes during my teenage years. So, I went ahead, took a bold step and got myself a copy of some real nice music I have heard in a long time. I got myself 'Saaral' :)

Saaral (
www.saaral.in), which translated from Tamil, means Drizzle, is one heck of an effort that comprises the geniuses of Gopakumar, Sanjeev Phillip Thomas, and Benny Dayal. I am not much of a fan of Tamil music, but surprisingly I have been discovering some good songs and tunes. And, as I listen to one of my favorite songs in this album (Parvai Aazhkadalil), I am glad that this is the first music I 'brought home'. Soulful lyrics, amazing composition and strong vocals has made Saaral occupy a rightful place in that heart of mine. It also merits another extra teeny-tiny place, for the fact that Gops (Gopakumar) is a dear friend. But even otherwise, I think I would have loved Saaral for what it actually is - a sincere and honest effort that has invaded my musical space and is here to stay.

Saaral has 7 amazing tracks. Now, I am not an expert or anything (even though as per my mom, I was/am a prodigy), but I do know good music from bad (bad is probably a very nice word to use for some of the tunes being churned out these days :) ) and also maybe just how good a piece of music really is or could have been. So, below is my listing from the music of Saaral, music that I have immensely enjoyed over the past weeks.

1. Pavaye Nee - This is such an amazing song! Amorous lyrics... wonderful flute and tabla combination. And, to have Unnikrishnan sing it, is just heavenly! His voice and style is infectiously unique. I am so glad Gops got him to sing this beautiful piece. One of my absolute favorites.

2. Ethetho - Now this is what I call funky!! When I first listened to this song... it took a while for it to sink in. But then, I was hooked :) Catchy and melodious at the same time, techno, yet with a good vocal base, it sure grows on you. And, to hear Gops sing... not bad at all !! ;)

3. Vizhiyoram - Another lovely song. Beautiful lyrics! Has a wonderful earthy feel to it. Benny has done complete justice to this song :)

4. Ennil Endrum - Again, a funky number, I love the instrumental in the beginning of the track. I donno why.. but this track kinda makes me wish I was at a beach party :-D

5. Azhagal Kollai - Absolutely love the music in the beginning! Very well composed and executed. Benny's voice works its own magic.

6. Oru Party - Quite a different piece from the rest of the tracks. The thing that struck me in this track is Sanjeev's voice modulation. It's as if he has tuned his voice to match the music rather than the other way around. Not on my top list of favs, but a good song nonetheless.

7. Parvai Aazhkadalil - Unabashedly, this is my FAV song in the entire album. I kind of thought that I would be loyal to Pavaye Nee, but this kinda swept me off when I wasn't even looking :) Amazing lyrics (I can proudly say that I understand almost 85% of the lyrics... which is not bad at all :) ) and beautiful composition. It kinda has this new age charm to it without going overboard. From start to finish... I have only one word for this song ... Beautiful!

Now, if you are wondering why I have gone to such lengths (pun intended!) for after all, a music album... well, cause its not just a music album, it is Gops's music album (check the website to know about its genesis). A dream that he has nurtured and has seen fulfilled with his music breaking the inner world and daring to make a mark in the outer. We are all achievers, of course, in our own merits, but it does take courage to do something worthwhile, to make something intangible, to fulfil something more precious than life... to dream, and to practically watch it come true. Saaral is a piece of music ... a dreamy piece of music, for all those who want to make it out there... being someone.. something.....

Friday, October 17, 2008

That wonderful feeling...

I am sure that we all have in many times inour life felt emotions that were beyond compare. Those, that were so amazing that no words could express what we felt, and what we still feel today when we reminisce about them. Wonderful things aren't they? Memories! It is such a beautiful harbinger of a smile we sometimes forget we are even capable of :) I think I can without a doubt say that there is not one person on this earth who does not have memories... wonderful, pure, soulful memories of what they wanted to do in life, achieve in their dreams and live in their heart.

The other day something out of the blue made me remember something I had long thought forgotten. And believe me, the whole day I kept getting glimpses of what I thought I would never be. I never thought I would work my ass off sitting in front of a machine and doing something that I sometimes did not believe in. I never thought that I would live my life like a book whose every page was already blueprinted in the back of my mind, and if at all something was not supposed to be the way it should be, that I would have an eraser ready to wipe out all traces of the 'so called error'. I never thought that I would make myself believe that this was how I would try and make do with all the things that I could not go out there and achieve.. by writing a blog post about it :)

Isn't it funny how we think of things we feel we will never be, instead of knowing what we truly are? And to go ahead and make ourselves believe that... well that is just so smart isn't it? As I was saying earlier, when I remembered of the things that I thought I would never be, it suddenly hit me that I never thought of the things I 'would' be. I never conditioned myself to it. I never thought I would be good at school, I always thought I would not be. I never thought I would be famous, well... cause I thought I wouldn't. I never thought what I would write in my blog, cause I always thought I would never have one. Now, before you start thinking... what the hell is she talking about, let me ask you one thing. When was the last time you felt a wonderful feeling rip through your entire body? If it was on any other occasion other than the memory of something good... then you are in a league of your own. For other mere mortals, like me, we seldom have anything rip through us (with exceptions of fear and danger of street dogs hounding behind me!) When I ran through that day with a bombardment of 'memories', I felt that I had failed. Failed to see what I had with me, and chose to make these into memories that I could (if I remembered) live in the later stages of life.

That is when I decided that I don't need memories anymore, I need me and I need life... to live, to breathe, to exist... to be! I don't have to put people or relationships off... so that I can hold onto them for 'later'. Who knows when that later may come, if at all it does. I didn't want to lose out on experiences just because I 'thought' they were not worth my while. I didn't think that I should compromise on what life expected out of me... after all we only have one life to live :) I wanted to make sure that a few years down the line, I still have memories... that I used to have memories. Because at that point in time I want to be living them, rather than sitting on the porch with my arthritis reminiscing about them. And you know what... since I decided that, realized that, I have had a wonderful feeling ever since :)

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

To us...

Well, now that I have made the brave attempt to step into the ‘blogger’ world, let me try and get comfortable :) I usually try not to think too much while I write... somehow I feel that this makes you question the thoughts coming into your brain or heart and the letters that come out of your fingertips. I also try not to hit ‘backspace’ too much (invariably it is an invisibly glued organ to my right hand middle finger). What I do try to do is pen down as much possible before I feel sorry that I didn’t. There have been many times, where I have had one thought run into another and lose its way, sometimes I don’t get words out the way I want them to be. But then again, I am human after all, and sometimes I need to accept that instead of fighting it.

That is when I decided that I needed a new beginning, to accept… that:
• I am human
• I am good (in fact better than good)
• I have emotions
• I am not superhuman
• I can do anything (I literally mean that!)
• It’s ok to want
• It’s alright to be hurt, angry, sad, disappointed
• I have the right to be what I want to be
• I have ‘me’ by my side
• I have people in my life who love me (even if they don’t, I still love myself!)
• I can’t expect others to like me (is it too arrogant to say – ‘if they don’t, it’s their problem, not mine? ’ :) )
• I don’t have to like and please everyone in my life
• I need to learn
• I need to relearn the same thing I thought I learnt already
• I can always have my way, provided I decide to throw in a little ‘illusion’ at the right places
• I will have to change, but only for myself
• I need not be afraid (ok... lizards are an exception!)
• I am what I am

Yes, I know what you’re thinking… that is a lot of ‘I’s and ‘me’s :). Earlier when I used to write it used to be quite generic and something that anyone would understand and relate to. But somehow these days I find that my fingers have found a nerve that can be felt more by those who can relate to any or all points mentioned above. Maybe it’s just a phase, maybe it is the lull before the storm… maybe it is just me being tired. So before I lose track and start being politically correct, let me put down something that might get lost when I turn sane – “You are only as good as you want to be, and you will never be bad unless you don’t.”

Haste to Waste?

Sometimes, when I get engrossed in work, I tend to do things at real top speed. I mean, (I have observed it myself), things just get done all right, like clockwork. I take my time to understand things initially, but when I do, I'm full throttle. And at the end of it, i don't mind the pace at all. After all, its getting done, right? Nothing can go wrong. (and its true... well most of times !) So this gives me the confidence, that haste is not waste after all. But believe me for my mom, who makes me see otherwise.

Sometime back, I was talking to her, and she said something. And, like I do sometimes, I said something in a haste. Now, I can tell by the look she gave me, that she was not very impressed. Don't you feel that moms have this universal language, of talking to you without saying a word. Especially when they give you the 'look'. (Do they teach you that at mommy school or something?) Now, the look can be a lot of things (most of the times, it is - 'why or how could you say something like that. I didn't raise you that way', 'you think you could say something like that and get away with it'... etc..), but majorly, I kinda agreed with her on that. I shouldn't have said it. Or better still, I could have said it, but maybe in a different tone or something. I donno. I have yet to figure this thing out. (I could probably crack granite, but not this !!)

So, here I am thinking again, do we 'haste' through almost everything we do. And do we really worry about the outcome? Sometimes, when I am in this 'haste phase', I rarely am aware of anything else, but what needs to be done at hand. Later, when I do get out of it (I really forget now when that was), I have already missed out on all that I did and how it affected me and the others around me. So in all this haste, I have wasted the precious few moments that I would have got to enjoy with life. This daze that we sometimes go through, seems all too very important at that moment of time, but the moment u get out of it, you realize that it was not that real after all. Or could we have twisted this 'daze' to get incorporated into our 'real' real life, so that we can include others and not be selfish enough to do everything ourselves?

Oh, and because of that universal mommy language thingy, every child knows better....


Every time I lie awake,
I think of all the things I spake,
If all of this would matter,
In all of this... would anyone bother?

And all of a sudden,
The sky gleaming bright, cloudens,
As if to remind me, you can't have everything,
You can't escape the showers I bring,

I lie there, staring at the pouring sky,
Waiting for something, waiting to dry, waiting to fly,
I feel, probably this is for best,
To think I could put my wings to test,
Could I have been more my insane best?

But then, I see, a circle of color,
Not just one, hundreds galore,
Come over the once thundering sky,
As if mocking me,
Did you think I would be so shy?

To not see you awake, to see you lie,
Beneath the clouds you try to hide?

I want to see you soar,
Fly high, ever higher more,
To feel the space, my arms you grace,

So that when I set you down,
With all my love abound,
You will be strong, safe, and sound,
Beating the clouds that threaten to drown,

Now as I awake, tired and aching
To still the thunder outside breaking,
I feel my wings have flown,
To a far off land, unknown,
I feel I have tasted the blue, even for minutes few,
I feel strong, strong to test the water,
To look in the eye of the thunder,

Now that I have flown, I can swim,
Now that I can...... I can win!

Monday, September 29, 2008


I believe that we all are not capable of only one thing in our life... to not love something... anything :)
Hence, it only seems too fitting for me to start my 'genesis' on this blog with something that I wrote a long, long time ago, but seems all too perfect even now.


When life acquires a new meaning,
When you feel you heart is bright and beaming,
When you find every speck of air, sparkling, and gleaming,
You ask yourself - is this love?

When your mind can think of nothing else,
When your heart, with every beat swells,
When your ears, hear the faintest of bells,
You ask yourself - is this love?

When the sun with all its warmth shines,
When everything just falls in line,
When you don't distinct between yours and mine,
You ask yourself - is this love?

When all you ever want is right in front of you,
When you know, what you have is pure and true,
When you no longer feel grey or blue,
You ask yourself - is this love?

When the day begins and ends with a smile,
When you don't worry about walking the extra mile,
When time seems to stand still, once a while,
You ask yourself - is this love?

If all your askance goes unanswered,
Don't fret, worry or bother,
Look inside you, and feel that glow,
'Cause with love, you never ask, you just know...