I am sure that we all have in many times inour life felt emotions that were beyond compare. Those, that were so amazing that no words could express what we felt, and what we still feel today when we reminisce about them. Wonderful things aren't they? Memories! It is such a beautiful harbinger of a smile we sometimes forget we are even capable of :) I think I can without a doubt say that there is not one person on this earth who does not have memories... wonderful, pure, soulful memories of what they wanted to do in life, achieve in their dreams and live in their heart.
The other day something out of the blue made me remember something I had long thought forgotten. And believe me, the whole day I kept getting glimpses of what I thought I would never be. I never thought I would work my ass off sitting in front of a machine and doing something that I sometimes did not believe in. I never thought that I would live my life like a book whose every page was already blueprinted in the back of my mind, and if at all something was not supposed to be the way it should be, that I would have an eraser ready to wipe out all traces of the 'so called error'. I never thought that I would make myself believe that this was how I would try and make do with all the things that I could not go out there and achieve.. by writing a blog post about it :)
Isn't it funny how we think of things we feel we will never be, instead of knowing what we truly are? And to go ahead and make ourselves believe that... well that is just so smart isn't it? As I was saying earlier, when I remembered of the things that I thought I would never be, it suddenly hit me that I never thought of the things I 'would' be. I never conditioned myself to it. I never thought I would be good at school, I always thought I would not be. I never thought I would be famous, well... cause I thought I wouldn't. I never thought what I would write in my blog, cause I always thought I would never have one. Now, before you start thinking... what the hell is she talking about, let me ask you one thing. When was the last time you felt a wonderful feeling rip through your entire body? If it was on any other occasion other than the memory of something good... then you are in a league of your own. For other mere mortals, like me, we seldom have anything rip through us (with exceptions of fear and danger of street dogs hounding behind me!) When I ran through that day with a bombardment of 'memories', I felt that I had failed. Failed to see what I had with me, and chose to make these into memories that I could (if I remembered) live in the later stages of life.
That is when I decided that I don't need memories anymore, I need me and I need life... to live, to breathe, to exist... to be! I don't have to put people or relationships off... so that I can hold onto them for 'later'. Who knows when that later may come, if at all it does. I didn't want to lose out on experiences just because I 'thought' they were not worth my while. I didn't think that I should compromise on what life expected out of me... after all we only have one life to live :) I wanted to make sure that a few years down the line, I still have memories... that I used to have memories. Because at that point in time I want to be living them, rather than sitting on the porch with my arthritis reminiscing about them. And you know what... since I decided that, realized that, I have had a wonderful feeling ever since :)