Drink up, baby down
mmm, are you in or are you out
leave your things behind
'cause it's all going off without you
excuse me, too busy you're writing your tragedy
you bubble wrap
when you've no idea what you're like
so let go, jump in
oh well, whatcha waiting for
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown
These are the words from one of my favorite songs, from a band called Frou Frou, a song that I found quite accidentally. Maybe in the same accidental fashion of me having this sudden urge to listen to this song as I write this piece. Every time I listen to this song, personally, it makes sense of many levels. And I wanna accept each of those levels, analyze it, feel it completely and then do exactly what it says …. let go! How I wish I could do that! Just let go. Of what you may ask. True, if you don’t know what you want or need to let go, you will continue to think that you need it in your life or in your world. We all have things we don’t need, but keep hanging onto. We all have people we can do without, but keep in our ‘circle of humans’, we all have far too many clothes to wear in a day, far too many expletives that we can exhaust of….maybe even far too much love to share?
Lately there has been some change in the way I’ve been processing things. I’m not much of someone who thinks of things as black and white (I sometimes wish I were, maybe life would be not so much of a pain in the ass then!). I tend to gray things out, maybe on purpose, so that I can still keep harping about them on some level. So that I don’t have to think that they are out of my purview and out of my world. Makes you feel like you have something to do, doesn’t it? You can have everything you need this way and not be rid of it, even if you didn’t really need it. But is there any use of that? I guess that is what my brain has started processing lately. What is the use of all those memories that we keep, all those emotions we share, all those people that we don’t love, but would love to hate, all those numbers in the phone book that we’re never gonna call. I bet that if I called everyone I knew on that phone book only 20% would even remember or acknowledge me. So there you go! What is the use of me being me?
It sounds quite surreal, but when you know the difference between what you need and what you want, you will have more things in life to chuck out than want to chuck in. I don’t know if it happens to me on purpose or if it’s just fate, but I have always noticed that there is an undeniable pattern in my life to balance out what I need and what I want. I’ve seem it come true with many things – the kind of work I do, the people in my life, (especially the people in my life :) ), the emotions I go through, the turn of events that take place… everything. I've tried hard not to pay attention to it, thinking that that is just the universe working out. And yes, it is the universe working (just imagine if it works out so much for me, what great shape it must stay in by working out for all of us ;) ). And like it always happens, I have to give up something for something to come in. Ok Ok …. I can almost hear you say it… what else did you think balance was? I never had a problem with giving up things… maybe because most of the things I gave up, I didn’t need them after all. I do realize that every individual must do this for themselves, and by themselves. The only catch here is how do u make it such that you don’t feel bad about it or just a little bit devastated, rather than the fall flat on the floor and hope to die feeling that you get when u really have to chuck something out, even if it may be those pretty little sandals that you've preserved from when you were 10 yrs old!
And what about those things that you really do need, even though u take them for granted almost every minute of your life, but would die if you had to give them up. How do you let go of those things, those people, those memories, those dreams that you built, knowing they would never come true, but still want to display proudly on the mantle of your heart? As I try to put across something that probably might take eons to make sense, I know at this very point… as I write… that there is something on the anvil that I have to let go….. that I have to get used to being without. I don’t know what it is….yet! Don’t you just hate that? When you’re all done and jazzed enough to face the crap… you don’t even know what the crap is! The part I hate the most if this dull feeling that you keep sensing all the time. I mean it just won’t go away. No matter how hard you wish for it to just dawn on you... even hit you smack on the face... it doesn’t - at least not until it is supposed to. And all this time goes in analyzing whether you really want to let go of whatever it is you don’t even know. Would it work if I could bargain to keep something I think I need, by giving up something I don’t know I want? Or should I just follow my heart, be strong and embrace the beauty in the breakdown?